Over

Okay, last Thursday was the last day of my exams. So basically, I already had a week off of school.

I went out to Eatons on Friday, gamed all Saturday, did my taxes on Sunday.

Monday and Tuesday was spent on building a friend's computer.

Finally today, I was out with friends at Yorkdale and then a friend's house.

I bought a tennis racket from head and a pair of Levi's. The tennis racket was marked down from 200 to 120, which was a pretty good deal, comes with a case and bought a can of balls as well. The Levi's were also on sale. I got the 506, skinny tappered; just because I can fit that. They were 85, but now 60. But on both of them, I got 10% off, because of the SPC card. Pretty sweet.

I feel horrible again. And like always, I don't know whats wrong. It just kind of strikes me whenever it pleases. But there are a few things in my mind troubling me.

For one, do you ever have to fight yourself to make a decision? Neither seems wrong, yet neither of them seem right. In that position, what do you do? Trust your instincts and feelings? Well, right now it is a battle between feelings and logic slash whats "right". This on going battle between these two sides have been happening for a couple months now. The solution is to do something, or not. So far, I just left it, so I did nothing; only because I don't know whats better. There are both up and down sides to each solution, it would be a gamble if I chose to act upon my feelings. The stake of this gamble would probably lie on everything around me right now; what matters most. If I stay with whats "right" I sacrifice feeling for what I already have now. In this position, what do I do? What would you do? What is the best choice?

Sometimes I also feel like I'm not apart. Maybe I just think too much, or maybe I am dead on. I don't think I'll ever find out. Sometimes things are better not being known. But I can not help myself but to ponder on these thoughts. So, if I'm not apart, where do I belong then? Where is it that I stand in this world. I feel so pointless. Day after day of the same things, what is the purpose? Why can't I make myself enjoy the things around me more? Am I the one thats not walking? Or was I left behind?

I just want to shoot myself and end my life. Over and done with. This way, all my pain and suffering will end, and I shall just feel nothing, wouldn't that be so much easier?

Perhaps deep down inside I just need a moment to myself and just break down and cry. Even if it was possible for me to cry on demand, what would I be crying over? I don't even know. It would probably feel nice to just break down in tears.