It's been a while

So. It's been a while since the last post. Okay maybe a "while" is an understatement. haha.
Since then, I've finished the winter semester of my second year at UTSC. =D Hopefully, I've done well enough to achieve a certain goal. That goal is getting in to management. I won't be able to find out if I'm in till mid June apparently. What a long wait... =(

My last exam was on the 15th. The 16th was the first day off, and on that day, I bought Gran Turismo 5. Played that for a good week or so. I've purchased and tuned up my favourite car the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution, among others like the Gallarod, 458, M3, California, the AE86... etc etc. Oh gosh, I just love cars =D and I recently acquired the GTR 34 , didn't want to buy the GTR 35 yet.

Anyways, I haven't been doing much since then, as most of my friends are still studying for exams, but now they are finishing up. In fact, some of them are even back in town.

Summer is around the corner! <3 Oh, How much I have missed you!! I just wanna go outside and smack a few tennis balls around. I really missed Tennis. I wanna play tennis. Play tennis with me!!! =D

I just got sick recently. If the 3rd or 4th day in is the sickest as you are going to get, then I think this time I should be quite okay. The most I have is the inability to pop my ears, a slight sore throat, and it hurts while swallowing, small cough, lost my voice (I sound like a man, a real man, like one of those in the movie trailers, announcing the plot epically, those men... yea... deep deep voice. I can probably seduce you with this. Just be careful ;) ), and a very small headache. Ya, Not so bad actually.

Plans for the summer:
Not much actually, I'm going to be taking 2 summer courses, both of which are on Mondays. Thats all thats foreseeable in the "long term". Other than that, just chill, play tennis and I wanna go shopping. Maybe to the beach as well ;) I should work on my tan... and... build muscle.. yea... good idea... I'm so lazy =(. I said I would start to go work out on Monday, but damn I haven't started. I used my cold as an excuse...

In the near future (ie a couple weeks from now at most) I'm going to meet up with a couple of my friends, and clean both of our computers, re-apply thermal paste to the GPU and CPU. And while we are at that we have to clean both of our computers. And we need to secure a couple of fans on my friends computer.

Yea, computer geek 8-| =D

- My thoughts, made tangible

Unproductive

Today was a snow day. UTSC, UTM, and even my high school had a snow day. UTSG however, didn't! Pretty funny. xD

I said to myself that I would do some work today. That did not happen. Instead, I spent the first half of the day video editing and uploading my first vlog. I then later was skyping with a friend for about 3 hours. My mom came home with take out for dinner. I ate it while watching Iron Man 2.

After realizing I had wasted my entire day, I printed out the practice problems for one of my courses of which I will be completing tomorrow before class starts. I also printed out the notes required for tomorrow's class. That is about all of the school work I have done. =/

I wanted to vlog today, but that didn't work out to well. I kept the footage though, I'll decide what to do with it later. But, I know I'm going to make a vlog on Sunday. I'm headed to Hamilton to see a couple of friends. That should be fun. What should I talk about in the vlog? I'll try to think of a topic. I'm not going to Hamilton this weekend anymore =(

Judging by how you did the same way of hiding a message, I guess you read mine too. If not, well then, this is here for... reference I guess. I a little log, or diary for myself. 
As usual, I am unable to tell you these stuff in person. Even if I could, I guess it's too late now; considering I already know your answer. So, you might ask, why do I bother saying it now? To be honest, I don't know. Maybe I just want to let it out; somewhere you might see it. A small sliver of hope I cling on to. 
Truth is, I've liked you before you've known it. I remember liking you before you left for Quebec, and I was debating whether or not to tell you. I was thinking, you were leaving, thats a good 4 months, and that you might even stay there for a couple of years, I guess no point in telling you. So I didn't. To be honest, I thought it died during the summer, I then realized it was merely hibernating till I saw you again at bowling. 
I kinda still want to talk to you about this, but really, what is the point? There is none. Internal conflict. If you want to talk about this, feel free to approach me and ask me. I think I'd ask you to ask me, but you know, again, what is the point?
Between you and I, I still want to be more than just friends, something like good friends, or close friends. It just feels better for me inside. 


Maydoh?

- My thoughts, made tangible

Subscribe!

This is my new YouTube channel!
http://www.youtube.com/user/JStar5225

And here is my very first vlog video: =D

- My thoughts, made tangible

Youtube!

In addition to blogging, I have started vlogging too.
I copied Jay. haha.
First video was recorded last night, and soon to be on Youtube.

- My thoughts, made tangible

By My Side

David Choi's By My Side speaks my thoughts.

A tease....

I'm just listening to the clock go ticking,
I am waiting as the time goes by.
I think of you with every breath I take,
I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine.
You're all I see, in everything.

I just wanna hold you,
I just wanna kiss you,
I just wanna love you all my life.
I normally wouldn't say this,
but I just can't contain it.
I want you here forever,
right here by my side.




I'm sorry, I'm still not able to let you go.
It's just too hard. You really are everything to me right now. Really all I see.
You really are all I think about. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many other things I do, people I speak to, you will always find your way back in my head.
I'm trying to move on. I'm really trying to. You're too perfect.
I don't want to say this, but I might be in love.
I shouldn't even think of that. I guess... it shows you how serious I really am.
I would do an infinite amount of work, just to feel a little affection, or even a slight hint of a smile.
I would then, be satisfied.
Why won't you be by my side when I really miss you, really want you?


Keep smiling, for me.

- My thoughts, made tangible

Out Of Rhythm

I guess you can tell that I'm going over a few emotional bumps from the previous posts. Usually my posts are rather neutral. Yea, you're right, I'm not in my best mood in the past few days.

Carrying on from that post where I mentioned that the one thing that you value the most is right in front of you and you can't have it blinds the value of everything else. I was driving home one night (naturally, I still wasn't in the best of moods), I thought to myself "I feel terrible and miserable. What is there that I could buy myself to maybe cheer myself up?"

I started with more practical items such as food and beverages. The following is a conversation within me.
"What would you like to cheer you up?"
"I dunno..."

"Maybe something to eat? McDonald's? Timmies?"
"I already ate, and I don't even want their fries. And Timmies, I don't really want coffee, it's a bit late..."

"Chips? You wanted chips for a while, we could go to Shopper's and pick up a bag."
"No.. it's unhealthy, and I'm too lazy; probably not on sale anyways..."

"You're impossible to please!"

----------------------

Then I blanked out for a while; while driving.

"Let's think a little more outrageously for a second... What if you had all the money in the world, What would you like? A Ferrari?"
"You know that is ridiculous... Besides I don't have a thing for Ferraris..."

"Your Evo?"
"Sure, it would be a nicer car than this one that I'm driving... but it's still a car..."

"A big house with a closet filled with your favourite clothes?"
"So what, I look nice, look comfortably, but deep down inside..."

"Okay fine! What if you had some cute girls with you right now?"
"I'll talk, it will take my mind off of it, but won't make much of it...."

"I think you're sick. What if you got laid?"
"Don't be silly, and I'm not in the mood."

-------------------------------

Yea. See this is what I'm trying to say. I can't see the pleasure in anything else anymore. That one thing is the one thing that I value, and I can't have.

What am I going to do with myself...?

- Emotional roller coaster

- My thoughts, made tangible

Maybe I Just...

Maybe I just need a good cry and break down...

- My thoughts, made tangible

Too Far To Reach

What do you know when you know exactly what you want, but can't have it.
That one thing that you want makes everything else insignificant. That thing is the only thing of value to you.

You see it. You are staring at it with a desperate reach.
You want it. It is so close to you.
You can almost touch it. But you can't.
I said almost touch it. It is just out of reach.
Too bad your arms are too short.

How would you feel if this is happening to you?
You don't know? I'll tell you.

It feels terrible. It feels like your insides are torn apart. You can't think clearly, every decision will probably lead you from bad to worse. So you choose to do nothing. After all, what is there you can do? You're too short to reach.
Don't say stupid shit like "get a chair". I'll break that chair on your head.

A gun, 1 bullet, and a note, is all I need to end this misery.
Or a high balcony... Yea. I have that...

- My thoughts, made tangible

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

So, what is this Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
It is a theory used in psychology that states a human's needs, from the basic to more developed things like self-actualization.

It is shaped in a pyramid with the base as the largest, and most fundamental of human needs, with self-actualization at the top. The names may vary, but the general idea remains relatively constant. Some people may believe one is more important than another. The bottom needs must be satisfied before there is the want to satisfy the needs above it.

In total, there are 5 levels. At the very bottom, it is the physiological needs. These would include things that are essential to survival. Water, air, and food are required among all animals to survive and humans are no exception. Shelter, such as a home and clothes to keep you warm are apart of this category as well. With something this simple and basic, it is considered as the most fundamental of needs.

The next level up is the safety needs. In the wild, safety needs is pretty much limited to staying safe, alive, and away from predators. However in our human society, safety needs isn't the only safety that is required. Among safety needs, such as crossing the street and identifying dangerous situations, we have created a world where financial security, and health and well being are required as well. Financial security falls in to this category, as we humans have created a world where money is what is valued. Money is used to trade for the basic needs such as food, water, and shelter, as well as luxury items, such as watches, and cars.

The third level, which resides in the middle, as we are half way up the pyramid is the love and belonging section. This is where the sense of being loved and belonging comes to play when the previous two are satisfied. These are more emotionally based, such as friends, families, your other half, and intimacy. Most of us here are lucky to be well off enough so that food, and security isn't a problem. With that in mind, we usually start off at this level. We want to make friends, and be close to family. We want to have someone to talk to. We want to feel that there is a place where we feel like we belong, somewhere we can call home and be comfortable. It can come from friends, family, co-workers, clubs, and church for example. Sex could also be included in this group.

Next comes esteem and respect. Eventually we will all need some self-esteem, and self-respect. We also need to be valued by others, and respected by others. To do this, we might need to find in ourselves how we can contribute, so that we can gain recognition for ourselves and from others as well. These can come from hobbies, talents, and even our profession. To be valued and recognized by others, some people want to be famous. Even when one receives fame and value from millions of others, we still have to first find esteem and respect for ourselves for this requirement to be satisfied. With the help of Wikipedia, there are two versions of esteem needs, a higher one and a lower one. The lower one is from others, while the other one is from yourself.

The last and the need that is up at the top is self-actualization. This comes when all the other needs are met. This essentially is to assess your personal potential, and going up, above, and beyond that potential. Exceeding yourself will satisfy this need. As this is an infinite loop, I don't believe that this could ever be 100% satisfied, which makes sense as it is up at the top. Essentially, this is setting goals, then achieve it, and setting higher goals, and the process continues. These goals are unique to each individual. One could want to be a better writer, or a better parent. Another could want to expand a business overseas, and become the largest in the world. Those are a few examples.

Everyone is a different level. They might realize these things consciously, but they do ask for these things roughly in that order. I know where I am exactly. I know what I want, and it falls and ties in to it quite well. I am serious about what I want.

So, it comes down to you. Do you know where you are, and what you want exactly?

- My thoughts, made tangible

Day 14 - Someone You've Drifted Away From

If someone was very close to you, someone you used to talk to everyday, and all the time, suddenly talk only about once every few days or a week. Would that be considered as drifting away? Or is it a more literal meaning, where you barely talk to them anymore.

It doesn't really matter, both applies to me. Since I have decide to no talk to those high school ex friends, I guess I can say that I've drifted away from them. Even some people that are still friends with me right now, I talk to less, due to the distance. They are in different universities, and there is only so much to talk about when we complain about homework, lectures, and exams.

Sadly people come, people go. I try my best to not let the ones that truly matter go. I try to hold on as long as possible. But, if they insist to leave, then who am I to hold them back?

I'm sure everyone has had at least one friend drift away. Maybe they were from another country, or you or they switched schools. Maybe it could be as bad as that the two of you didn't get along anymore for various reasons.



The upcoming topics don't have any relevance to me anymore. From now on, I'm just going to pick and choose the topic that I might be able to expand upon, rather than writing short blurbs that mean nothing. I'll try to think of other topics to just write about.

- My thoughts, made tangible

Day 13 - Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

I am not able to think of anyone who was wronged by me, therefore, I am not able to think of anyone that I wish could forgive me.

I am pretty careful with my actions. How they will impact me, others, and my surroundings. Long and short term effects are all considered. This is even more true when I make my decisions that will effect others. I don't do anything intentionally that will upset someone so much that they are not able to forgive me. Actually, I NEVER do anything intentionally that will upset someone so much that they are not able to forgive me.

If I have done something that has upset you, it is more than likely unintentional, and by accident. I value friendship way too much to risk anything.

- My thoughts, made tangible

Day 12 - The Person You Hate Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

What a great topic to start the New Year... (Sarcasm)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! =D

Hate is such a strong word. I believe it should be reserved for the most absolute feeling ever, same with "love". I prefer to use the word "dislike" better.

So who do I dislike?

Well, due to recent events, you should be able to guess it would be the same people mentioned in Day 10.
So, go read the second half of day 10, and that will be my Day 12's post.